I wrote this a little while ago... and just now found it...
I am so thankful for JESUS' Amazing love for me. He did not leave me alone.
I hated life.
I hated myself...
The person I had become.
I had created my own despair.
In the darkest of valleys, I would dwell,
I remember well...dreading every morning.
I dreaded life, period.
At first, I was afraid I was going to die; then I wished I had.
In my choices, I had dug myself so deep into the mire.
Every dream had been smothered.
Every plan had evaporated.
Life as I had known it, trickled like sand in my hands.
Poof! Gone.
I could not make sense of the mess I alone created, and I. wanted. out.
Ensnared in my own vices,
Tangled up in my own web,
Shame came crashing down like a vicious torment.
Regret overwhelmed my soul.
The agonizing torment that detonated my mind to explode viciously...
Ravaging my thoughts, I fought to escape!
Oppression and fear choked me until there was no more air left.
Then suddenly, BAM! Life became a misery.
My darkness came because of the choices I made.
My heart was clouded with a dark haze.
I became distraught in my walk.
My heart became blurred with its fleshly mundane cravings.
My focus was blurred.
I was fixated on the pleasures of the world.
My eyes wandered to things...Things that I let overpower my fleshly desire.
I became bad. I had gone days on end basking in the mire.
So lost in my darkness. So much junk congested my heart.
Weary & tired, so worn, so exhausted... I reached out...
I would crave to see a merciful hand come to my rescue.
But only found shattering words that battered my heart.
Judgmental eyes piercing like knives to my soul;
only to leave me deeper in my hopelessness and in my dark despair.
I would cry and complain about my circumstance,
Gripe about the problems, and criticizing others as well, for not having any compassion.
Because I let my tongue speak evil, my heart gave up on life.
I was pouring negativity into my soul... with the squabbling of my mouth.
Like the writer who only focused on vanity and meaninglessness, I could say, “I hated life”
"So I hated life because what is done under the sun was grievous to me; for all is vanity and a striving after the wind and a feeding on it." (Ecclesiastes 2:17, AMPC).
Regret and disappointment weighed my soul down until I could no longer sing.
Within my heart there was No longer a song, nor a melody;
And with every ounce of the yearning within,
In the midst of my apathy, in my spiritual battle,
And in my despair, I fought,I cried out to My God!
Only to mutter silent words.
There came a silence so deafening,but gasping for the last breath within me,
I cried from the depths of my pain, then a scream exploded!
Out it came, like a roar from deep within!
“How do I love life again?”
"I need you, GOD!"
"How do I begin again?"
"I need You!'
"I want out of this hell!"
Even though I was blinded by all the ugly that I let in,
I could not see one thing to be happy about,
I knew exactly what I needed to do, to my knees I fell.
I fought with all that was within me. I had to dig deep,
going to the depths of this disastrous soul.
There was a darkness that held on,
I had to chip away at the morass that I placed there.
Digging that well that was corrupted with the muck and slime of this world.
I prayed; I promised God I would stop talking negative.
Even though my relationship with the Lord had become dry and dead,
I needed him, now more than ever.
I needed hope; I needed the strength to overcome!
I vowed to praise him in the storm that I, myself had created.
I began to thank God, And I began to praise Him.
I began to worship him in the midst of my hopelessness.
I searched for that hope that was absorbed in my disaster.
It was a struggle, but the more I prayed the stronger I became.
I searched hard to find the good in my life,
Remembering the blessings God so graciously had given me in my past storms.
This was not my first failure, my first fall, my first wreckage.
I forced myself to look for the best in this tempest.
At times, It seemed silly to be so positive in my dreariness.
But I continued on with that overwhelming love that only God can give...
He gave me the courage to face the monster that I had created.
He gave me the strength to pierce my darkness with His marvelous light.
With a heart of worship to God Almighty, I returned my heart to him.
I became an OVERCOMER!
I would Love life; I would love myself again and Love God more than ever before.
' These things I have spoken unto you,
that in me ye might have peace.
In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.' John 16:33 KJV
Morning came! Joy Came!
I jumped out of bed and suddenly caught myself—I was looking forward to the day!
Once again, I saw the sunrise Jesus made for me, the magnificent colors that covered the skies!
I felt that peace that only comes from Him.
He had taught me how to love life by controlling my mouth.
Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth does speak.
We have to be careful of what we feed our minds, our souls, our hearts, what we set our eyes upon or what we let our ears listen to.
Being down and out and listening to some depressed drunk guy singing the blues will only get you as low as you are already!
Get up and get out of that mire and start praising God for his Goodness, for his mercy and his great love.
We have to make that choice of what state we want to be in!
I have gone through many calendar pages since that trial, but still I find every day alive with hope. When I start getting oppressed again, I know I have been talking about the bad news, bad weather, bad economy, bad administration, or whatever.
Every day I must think and talk about whatever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report.
